Letting the cat out of the bag...

I think I've been coming across pretty upbeat and cheerful in my posts, but that's not really how I feel : (. The night Brooke was born, even though she was early, I was so happy and excited when she came out crying and she was only on oxygen and just doing so well. I'm still happy that she's doing so well. But almost all the time, I feel so depressed : (. It's gotten progressively worse since leaving the hospital. At first it was only when I pumped, but now it's (like I said) almost all the time. I've been coming across really grouchy and crabby to everyone and I have a really short fuse with Ryan. I feel so cheated to have had another preemie and not gotten to experience "full term" once again. And now I know I never will and that's really hit me hard. I also worry about Brooke having long term problems from her prematurity because even though she's doing so well right now, you just never know. I know she will come out on top no matter what, just like her big brother Ryan, but it still bothers me. I have so much to be thankful and grateful for (and I am!), but I just can't shake this funk I'm in. I think I'm going to call my doctor's office tomorrow and ask for something. It was something they mentioned when they were discharging me and I think I'm going to have to take them up on it. I want to be HAPPY again. I just feel like I had to get that off my chest!

Nothing new to report on Brooke. She's still doing well and her only issue at the moment are the A's and B's she's still having, but it's not a concern (so not really even an issue, I guess). I'm supposed to be going down later today with Doug's mom and I can't wait. At least when I'm there I don't feel as depressed.

Just a quick one

My sister and her boyfriend took me down to the NICU this afternoon to visit Brooke. She is now in a plain old isolette....no fancy Giraffe like she was. They try to keep those for the smaller, sicker babies since they're so high tech, I guess. So that was cool to see : ). She is also off her bili blanket, so her jaundice is cleared up. Her feedings will now be increasing 1 cc every 12 hours. Right now she's at 12 cc's every 2 hours. At 10pm tonight she'll go to 13 cc's every 2 hours and at 10am tomorrow she'll go to 14 cc's every 2 hours, etc. I didn't think to ask how high they would go. From Thursday night to last night she only gained 5 grams, but at least she gained : ). I'll be going down sometime tomorrow afternoon or evening with Doug's mom and plan to kangaroo her again : ).

Oh and by the way, a cc is also equal to a millileter : ).

Li'l Miss Piggy

Her feedings are now up to 11cc's every 2 hours! And she's doing great with them : ). Her IV is now gone...yay! Other than that, nothing new to report! Doug went down to see her last night with his mom and I stayed home with Ryan. He just took a couple pictures...

She looks so peaceful and cozy : ).

I'm planning on finding a ride down today to see her and Doug will be home with Ryan, trying to get some stuff done around here that really needs done. This is tough juggling 2 kids in 2 different places!

I held her!

I got to do kangaroo (skin to skin holding) care with Brooke for the first time last night! Such an amazing feeling. She was a little wiggly until she got comfy, but then she pretty much just slept the whole time (about an hour). She got the hiccups and sounded SO cute. Here are a couple pics of the 2 of us:

Okay, on to the update and then I have some more pics. Since she was having a rough night Wednesday night, they bumped her air flow back up to 2 liters from 1.5. She's still there. No big deal. Her bloodwork came back great, no sign of infection : ). She had a better day yesterday and a better night last night. Her feedings are now up to 9cc's every 2 hours and she's doing awesome with them. In fact, she's doing so well with her feedings that they are probably taking out her IV today! Woohoo! She's now up to 2lb. 7oz. There are 28 grams in an ounce and she gained 20grams between Wednesday night and last night...so almost an ounce! And I think that's about all there is to report right now, so here's some more pics : ).

These first ones were taken right after we got there...she was all cozy on her belly, sleeping away.

She's going to need a hair cut until she gets out! LOL.

She was sucking on her fingers : ).

Here she is beside one of her cloth diapers...it's an XS Wonder Works All In One. I'm going to take her picture by this every week to show how much she grows!

With my hand.

And these pictures were taken after she was put back in after kangarooing. Of course then she was wide awake when we were ready to leave! These are the first pictures of her with her eyes open : ).

That's my mom's hand in there.

She's soooo cute :*).

Sometime soon I'm going to try to post some comparison pics of her and Ryan (from when he was in the NICU)! I think she looks a lot like him (definitely has his nose).

That's all for now!

Thursday A.M. Update

First, here are the pics from Tuesday evening.

Ryan seeing Brooke for the 2nd time.

"What do you mean I can't put my hands in there? That's not fair!"

This one is taken from above.

And this one from straight on.

Now for the update. Before I forget, she's up to 2lb. 6oz., so she's starting to gain : ). Her feedings are now at 8cc's every 2 hours (I'm now wondering if that 2 hours is actually 3 hours and the nurse said it wrong when I called this morning, but maybe not...I'll find out for sure tonight when I go down). I guess Brooke had a rough night with the heart rate drops and forgetting to breathe...it happened a lot. Her nurse wasn't sure what the problem was. She thought maybe she was refluxing. Today they are doing a white blood count on her to make sure she's not getting sick. I pray that's not it. Her nurse this morning did say that she looks wonderful and is acting appropriate, so those are good signs. Maybe it was just a bad night! I hope so.

My mom is making my "birthday dinner" tonight....swedish meatballs, mashed potatoes, and not sure what veggie. Then her, my dad, and I are going down to see Brooke. I'm hoping to kangaroo her tonight. Kangaroo care is when you hold the baby bare skin to bare skin on your chest. It's supposed to be really good for them, especially very early preemies. When she's a bit bigger we'll be able to just hold her swaddled in a blanket like a regular baby.

So I guess that's the update for now! Please say an extra prayer that she's NOT coming down with an infection and that she just had a bad night. She's a week old now and no problems...I hope we can keep it that way!

Tuesday P.M Update

We went down to see Li'l Miss Brooke tonight. She's still doing really well. Her air flow rate is down to 1.5 liters from 2 liters and she's doing great with that. Her feedings are still at 6cc's every 3 hours and that's going well, too : ). She was sleeping most of the time we were there, but she did kinda wake up a little before we left and was opening her eyes a little bit. It's so neat to see her open her eyes when I talk to her and she hears my voice (or Doug's). I did take a few pics, but I'm not posting them until tomorrow (too tired/lazy right now). So that's all I have to report for now! : )

Tuesday A.M. Update

Sometime late yesterday afternoon, they increased Brooke's feedings to 6cc's every 3 hours and so far she's tolerating them well. They are also now weaning her on her air flow (she's still just getting the air flow through the cannula, no oxygen) and so far she's tolerating that well, too : ). She's still have periods of dropping her heartrate and forgetting to breathe, but that's something she'll have to outgrow. So she's still doing amazing :*). God is good!