I think I've been coming across pretty upbeat and cheerful in my posts, but that's not really how I feel : (. The night Brooke was born, even though she was early, I was so happy and excited when she came out crying and she was only on oxygen and just doing so well. I'm still happy that she's doing so well. But almost all the time, I feel so depressed : (. It's gotten progressively worse since leaving the hospital. At first it was only when I pumped, but now it's (like I said) almost all the time. I've been coming across really grouchy and crabby to everyone and I have a really short fuse with Ryan. I feel so cheated to have had another preemie and not gotten to experience "full term" once again. And now I know I never will and that's really hit me hard. I also worry about Brooke having long term problems from her prematurity because even though she's doing so well right now, you just never know. I know she will come out on top no matter what, just like her big brother Ryan, but it still bothers me. I have so much to be thankful and grateful for (and I am!), but I just can't shake this funk I'm in. I think I'm going to call my doctor's office tomorrow and ask for something. It was something they mentioned when they were discharging me and I think I'm going to have to take them up on it. I want to be HAPPY again. I just feel like I had to get that off my chest!
Nothing new to report on Brooke. She's still doing well and her only issue at the moment are the A's and B's she's still having, but it's not a concern (so not really even an issue, I guess). I'm supposed to be going down later today with Doug's mom and I can't wait. At least when I'm there I don't feel as depressed.
7 comments:
It's good you have realized this early and are going to do something about it, soon. I am glad to hear your doctors will be fine with giving you something to help. And there are a lot of things you can take and still pump and breastfeed, Brooke just be sure to let them know that is what you want to do!
Many hugs to you. You and sweet baby Brooke are in my thoughts.
Allison
(aol cd board)
(((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))))
I felt the same way, Jen. It's hard to celebrate the new life and mourn the loss of the rest of the pregnancy (and future ones) at the same time. I am glad you could say how you're feeling. It'll get better. I am so glad she is doing okay and I pray she has no long term effects. Big hugs Jen.
~kc (Audrey's mom)
(((Jen))) I know how you feel..my 2 werent born as early as yours...but it totally sucks to not be able to have a "normal" pregnancy with a "normal" full term baby. :( Its definatly a valid feeling to have especially with what you have been through. Your a strong woman, and momma!! Brooke is doing soooo good, and thats awesome!! Hopefully the docs will give you something that will help, and maybe you can go see someone to talk to...thats what i had to do after Jaiden kept needing surgery after surgery and I just couldnt deal with it...Hopefully you'll start feeling like yourself soon!
Jessica
Glad you feel comfortable enough to share your feelings---that's half the battle: KNOWING you're depressed and wanting to do something about it. It's totally understandable and honestly something I worried about for you. You're beaming in the pictures where you get to hold/touch Brooke so I pray that little stinker will continue to thrive and grow and be HOME in your arms in no time! :-)
Hang in there--we're here for you!!!
Georg
((((((((((Jen))))))))))) Hang in there! Everything you feel is normal and its not wrong to ask for help! Keep the August '03 board posted!
Jennifer
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