Therapy

That's what I'm going to use this blog for today. Today I am 23 weeks 4 days. The day I went in to labor with both Zachary and Ryan. It's very, very surreal. My nerves are pretty bad right now even though I'm trying to keep them under control. I woke up around 5:20am because I had to pee and was not able to fall back to sleep.

We didn't know why Zachary came early and I never would have guessed when I was pregnant with Ryan that I would go in to labor the exact same day. So it's very hard to be at this landmark without expecting to go in to labor, even though THIS time I have the cerclage and the 17p injections, which will both hopefully do their job. I'm actually due for my next shot this afternoon. I'm hoping Doug's aunt is able to make it. We're getting some snow. If not, then we will have to venture out this evening after Doug gets home.

I think I just need to type this all out....

My pregnancy with Zachary was PERFECT up until the day I went in to labor. I woke up feeling a bit funny....well, really (TMI) like I had to go #2 and was very constipated. Little did I know that that pressure was actually a sign of preterm labor. Doug dropped me off at my parents' that day on his way to work because my dad was taking my to a job interview that afternoon. Probably about an hour after I got to my parents' house, I went to the bathroom and had some weird discharge (what I now think was my mucuos plug...or at least part of it...Gosh, I was SO naive then...). I figured I'd better call my doctor. It was around 11:30am, I believe. They told me to come in at 1. Well, I was sitting at my parents' kitchen table and around 12:30 felt a gush of something wet down there. I went to the bathroom, pulled down my pants, sat down, and saw blood. I yelled for my mom. She came running and saw and yelled to my dad that we had to get to the hospital. They took me to the ER (we assumed my doctor was still at lunch). The ER called over to my doctor's office and they had them send me right over in a wheelchair. We got there and went in the examining room. The midwife came in and found Zach's heartbeat right away with the doppler. I was SO relieved! Then my doctor comes in and examines me and says I'm 6cm dilated. WHAT?!?!? My mom just started bawling. I was in total shock. I didn't even know it was possible for Zachary to survive outside the womb at that point and my dumbass doctor says that he's too little and won't live. (As you all know, he did not survive...but Ryan did! And he's the smallest/youngest baby he ever delivered that lived.) They took me up to L&D and did an u/s to check his position. He was breech. I wonder if they would have let me deliver him vaginally if he'd been in the right position, but I've never asked. So he was delivered via c-section at 3:07pm.

My pregnancy with Ryan was pretty uneventful up until that day, too, other than some discharge somewhat like what I've been having this time. But there was no apparent cause for it. The day I turned 23 weeks 4 days, I woke up feeling fine. A few hours later I started getting the same feelings I had with Zachary. I called my doctor's office and he was in surgery all morning. The nurse was quite bitchy with me, saying that I was just there the day before (u/s and appointment) and everything was fine (and it was, but obviously that didn't/doesn't mean diddly squat). The nurse said she'd call when the doctor came in. My mom picked me up and I went to her house. I called the office a few more times. WHY I did not just go in to the ER or L&D is beyond me : (. It may have not made much difference, though. After awhile I started feeing very mild contractions. My doctor's office finally called and told me to come in at 4. We got there early, but they made us wait. When I was finally examined, I was 2-3cm, but was told I was too dilated to do a rescue cerclage. They admitted me and gave me some brethine to stop the contractions and it worked pretty quickly. The plan was to keep me in the hospital until I had to deliver and we were hoping to make it a couple weeks at least. I didn't get much sleep that night. They had me with my head down and my feet up and on my left side and it got uncomfortable very fast. And Ryan kicked my cervix all night long. The next morning one of the nurse's came in to examine me and couldn't believe it when I was 10cm dilated! That was between 8:30 and 9am and Ryan was delivered at 10:04am.

So as I sit here this morning typing this, it's very scary to think that Brooke COULD be here today! Although I don't believe she will be, it's hard not to think about and it's hard not to worry about. I know I'll be overanalyzing every little twinge today, but hopefully there won't be much to make me worry. It is exciting to think that I could wake up tomorrow still pregnant and NOT in labor. And go to my appointment on Friday and find out all is still well with my cervix. But even if that happens, I will still worry a lot until I hit 28 weeks because who knows how my body will hold up PAST 23 weeks 4 days. It's all unknown territory. Every extra week I make it, I will be very thankful, though. And I am SO very thankful that nothing has happened before this. That was a worry of mine because you just never know. Nothing is guaranteed. One thing to concentrate on is that cerclages are 85-90% effective and the most common cause of failure is infection, so let's just pray that I don't develop one at any time.

Well, since I already wrote a novel, I guess I'll leave it at that. It felt good to get that all out. Now hopefully I'll just be able to think positively the rest of the day and trust and believe in God that what's meant to be will happen and pray that it means Brooke will stay safe inside for at LEAST another month!