So....

There's something I haven't shared on here or told many people about at all, actually. It occurred to me last week that I might be suffering from postpartum depression (PPD). Some of this is REALLY hard for me to admit and it's going to sound terrible, but I have to get it out there...especially for others that might be going through something similar. You are not alone!

I wanted another baby for a LONG time and for awhile, I never thought it would happen. I started wanting to try again, but Doug didn't come around for a long time after that. I didn't think he ever would. I wanted another baby and I knew what taking care of a baby entailed. But I have many moments lately where I just feel so empty and overwhelmed and wish that I could go back to only having Ryan. (Isn't that HORRIBLE??) Life was so much easier...I mean, he's 5 now! He doesn't need me as much as Brooke needs me. Sometimes I just feel TOO needed. Sometimes I just feel like running away. I get frustrated very easily and am quick to lose my temper. Sometimes I don't even feel like "dealing with" Brooke. But I do. Rest assured, she has not been neglected in any way. I don't feel like this ALL the time. Sometimes I honestly enjoy her and taking care of her and I just sit and think about how blessed I am to have these 2 miracles in my life. I really am blessed! It's getting harder to see that at times, though. I knew this could not be normal. Not to the extent I'm feeling it anyway. When I was pregnant with her, I was so scared of losing her like we lost Zachary. I counted down the weeks, praying she would stay put in my womb. I was SO excited for her to be in our lives. So no, what I'm feeling cannot be normal!

Yesterday, I went to see the midwife at my OB/GYN's office. I filled out the PPD screening thing and the she said my score was pretty high. She asked if I'd had any problems with depression or anxiety in the past. When I was a junior in high school, I was hospitalized for 10 days with depression. It was bad...worse than it is now and I didn't want it to get that bad. Back then I was to the point where I couldn't even bring myself to smile. I didn't feel like doing ANYTHING. Long story short, I ended up in the hospital like I said. They put me on Zoloft and Klonopin and it really helped. I was on it for about a year and then was okay to come off it. I told the midwife about this and she gave me a prescription for Zoloft since that helped me before. She also had me get bloodwork done to check my thyroid. I'm supposed to call in 2 weeks if I'm not feeling any better and I go back the beginning of December to see her.

Hopefully I'm on the road to feeling like myself again!